Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
