Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My ass is underappreciated
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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