Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar