He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
