omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
