i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
