true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like death gave me a hand job
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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