So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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