I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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