Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What happened to fro yo and sex?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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