Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We just shotgunned beers for America
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I stole a fireplace last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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