Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
