I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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