my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
