dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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