there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
