If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
