What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
