i can't believe i had my finger in that
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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