So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text