I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.