Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
