I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
