I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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