i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
