Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize