big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
