I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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