wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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