you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ttyl tear gas
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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