ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
