they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize