We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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