you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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