That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
