whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
