when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
