the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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