Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
