You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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