I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
