I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
