There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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