I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
