I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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