Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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