Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
