You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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