a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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