those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
