i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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