Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
