Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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