Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
