Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
