Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So apparently I’m into choking now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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