My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
